Part 1: A different kind of “Nausea”

What I feel right now is nausea, mainly hurt and a little guilty… Guilty for reminding people that I do shit for them too. I must have sounded something like “G han ehsaan kya tha uss waqt meney bhi!” Translation “I did you a favor (be thankful))”. But I didn’t mean it. Maybe I wanted a little appreciation? For putting aside my own desires or wants and taking care of their needs. Perhaps I asked for tad too much.
The hurt and nausea, because it hit me too hard, that no matter what I do it’ll never be enough. In the end people will throw it all in my face and tell me I shouldn’t have done that, it’s not like they asked for it. I finally realize that this is after-all human nature. Someone has to be the silent lamb to keep enduring everyone’s shit. For as long as you silently endure you’re amazing and great but the moment you scream because it hurts too much, you’re the bad guy.
The nausea is still there, my head hurts and I want to scream so bad. I want to ask them. “If you didn’t ask for my help, for what I do for you, why did you accept it then? Why didn’t you keep seated on your throne of ego? Why now?”
I feel small at times like these, because I’m afraid the God who helps me out would stop helping me out. Would stop taking care of me.
The worst part is the words they iterated. They reverberate in my head. People forget what they say, but I dont. Those cruel words stay embedded in my heart. You can forgive, but never forget they say and it’s true. Somehow, albeit, I do not expect anything good from people, it still hurts.


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